To Understand It All

I'm Joey, just another 20 year old trying to figure everything out even though I know I never will. I live in Arizona where it's always too hot. I go to the University of Arizona and am majoring in molecular and cellular biology. I ponder things that will probably never affect me and have a tendency to think too much. I'm constantly fascinated by the world around me as well as life and its apparent lack of meaning.

I thoroughly enjoy meeting and getting to know new people. If you are one of those people whom I don't know, then feel free to message me and spark a conversation about anything. If there were something small in life that I valued more than anything, it would be those deep talks about existence, meaning, perspective, controversy, opinion, and just about anything else outside of regular everyday communication.

I play League of Legends quite often, so feel free to add me if you would like. My usernames are below:
Primary: Drakononous
Alternate: Final Feer

Have heart.

There is not much I am better at than pushing people away, and that destroys me on the inside. I genuinely enjoy getting to know others, and I freely do so. The problems lies in that after a certain point, I just recede back into myself and push them away unintentionally. I see myself doing it constantly yet I feel as though I have absolutely no control over it. Maybe it is because deep down I truly believe that if someone really gets to know me, they will stop liking me. In other words, I must subconsciously feel like others leaving me is inevitable and thus my subconscious determines that I will sustain less emotional damage if I leave them before they leave me. It’s either that or maybe my subconscious mind pushes others way for their own benefit. I know, and my subconscious knows, that I can be burden on those who chose to listen to me and drag those down who choose to care for me. I suppose I must push others away in order to keep myself from latching onto them and dragging them down when I am in emotional distress. I would like to believe that it is the latter reason and that I am simply doing a virtuous deed when I force myself into painful solitude in order to preserve the happiness and emotional well being of others. It is clear to me that I am not lonely because the world rejects me, but rather because of my own doings. I just wish I had more control over myself sometimes. They do not deserve the pain that I put them through.

There is not much I am better at than pushing people away, and that destroys me on the inside. I genuinely enjoy getting to know others, and I freely do so. The problems lies in that after a certain point, I just recede back into myself and push them away unintentionally. I see myself doing it constantly yet I feel as though I have absolutely no control over it. Maybe it is because deep down I truly believe that if someone really gets to know me, they will stop liking me. In other words, I must subconsciously feel like others leaving me is inevitable and thus my subconscious determines that I will sustain less emotional damage if I leave them before they leave me. It’s either that or maybe my subconscious mind pushes others way for their own benefit. I know, and my subconscious knows, that I can be burden on those who chose to listen to me and drag those down who choose to care for me. I suppose I must push others away in order to keep myself from latching onto them and dragging them down when I am in emotional distress. I would like to believe that it is the latter reason and that I am simply doing a virtuous deed when I force myself into painful solitude in order to preserve the happiness and emotional well being of others. It is clear to me that I am not lonely because the world rejects me, but rather because of my own doings. I just wish I had more control over myself sometimes. They do not deserve the pain that I put them through.

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