To Understand It All

I'm Joey, just another 20 year old trying to figure everything out even though I know I never will. I live in Arizona where it's always too hot. I go to the University of Arizona and am majoring in molecular and cellular biology. I ponder things that will probably never affect me and have a tendency to think too much. I'm constantly fascinated by the world around me as well as life and its apparent lack of meaning.

I thoroughly enjoy meeting and getting to know new people. If you are one of those people whom I don't know, then feel free to message me and spark a conversation about anything. If there were something small in life that I valued more than anything, it would be those deep talks about existence, meaning, perspective, controversy, opinion, and just about anything else outside of regular everyday communication.

Have heart.

There is not much I am better at than pushing people away, and that destroys me on the inside. I genuinely enjoy getting to know others, and I freely do so. The problems lies in that after a certain point, I just recede back into myself and push them away unintentionally. I see myself doing it constantly yet I feel as though I have absolutely no control over it. Maybe it is because deep down I truly believe that if someone really gets to know me, they will stop liking me. In other words, I must subconsciously feel like others leaving me is inevitable and thus my subconscious determines that I will sustain less emotional damage if I leave them before they leave me. It’s either that or maybe my subconscious mind pushes others way for their own benefit. I know, and my subconscious knows, that I can be burden on those who chose to listen to me and drag those down who choose to care for me. I suppose I must push others away in order to keep myself from latching onto them and dragging them down when I am in emotional distress. I would like to believe that it is the latter reason and that I am simply doing a virtuous deed when I force myself into painful solitude in order to preserve the happiness and emotional well being of others. It is clear to me that I am not lonely because the world rejects me, but rather because of my own doings. I just wish I had more control over myself sometimes. They do not deserve the pain that I put them through.

There is not much I am better at than pushing people away, and that destroys me on the inside. I genuinely enjoy getting to know others, and I freely do so. The problems lies in that after a certain point, I just recede back into myself and push them away unintentionally. I see myself doing it constantly yet I feel as though I have absolutely no control over it. Maybe it is because deep down I truly believe that if someone really gets to know me, they will stop liking me. In other words, I must subconsciously feel like others leaving me is inevitable and thus my subconscious determines that I will sustain less emotional damage if I leave them before they leave me. It’s either that or maybe my subconscious mind pushes others way for their own benefit. I know, and my subconscious knows, that I can be burden on those who chose to listen to me and drag those down who choose to care for me. I suppose I must push others away in order to keep myself from latching onto them and dragging them down when I am in emotional distress. I would like to believe that it is the latter reason and that I am simply doing a virtuous deed when I force myself into painful solitude in order to preserve the happiness and emotional well being of others. It is clear to me that I am not lonely because the world rejects me, but rather because of my own doings. I just wish I had more control over myself sometimes. They do not deserve the pain that I put them through.

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