Tomorrow is going to be a long day given that I’m going to wake up, run, lift weights, work until 1 am, and then do it all over again on Friday. After this week, I will have been running for 3 weeks and working out for 1 week. I think the main reason I’m doing all this is because I think that being fit, in-shape, and having a nice body will some how lead to me actually being able to make friends. I’m going into my third year of college and I don’t think I’ve added a single friend to my life. I still have my insanely close group of friends from high school, but as far as college friends, I’ve got nothing to show. The worst part is that I’m not entirely sure why. Is it my appearance? Is it my yellow glasses? Is my lack of a fit body? Is it my social anxiety? Is it my unbearable awkwardness? Though, the awkwardness might be caused by the social anxiety. Is it my monotone voice? I really wouldn’t blame people who didn’t want to be my friend due to my voice; it really sucks. I think my close group of friends has just gotten used to it, or maybe they simply don’t mind it. It could very well be the social anxiety, but I don’t even know with certainty that I even have clinical social anxiety. I’ve convinced myself that any psychiatrist would diagnose me with it, but maybe I’m so far in my own world of worry that I’m delusional. Even worse is that I could just be a naturally awkward and asocial person, in which case there’s absolutely nothing I can do. At least if it’s clinical social anxiety there might be hope for treatment and I might see a day when I can successfully engage in social interactions and maybe make new friends. The approach I’m taking to get to the source of the issue is to rule out the possibilities one-by-one. I’ve already made an endless number of observations with regards to my yellow glasses. What I found is that they aren’t the source of my inability to make friends or my inability to successfully be social. I did notice, though, that people undoubtedly think the glasses are weird and that it does have some effect on what social interactions I have. With all the running, working out, healthy eating, and ephedrine+caffeine consuming I’ve been doing, I should have a fairly fit body by the time school rolls around and then I can see if my body was the problem. Honestly, I don’t think it is, but I don’t want to skip any steps just so I can be certain about everything. I think I’m just going to end up being a fit guy who still can’t engage in social interaction successfully. After I rule my body out and I get my financial aid money, I plan on seeing a psychiatrist so I can obtain my official diagnosis and get started on some form of treatment (most likely a benzodiazepine). If none of the above end up being the source of the problem, then it might just end up being my natural and unalterable personality. If that ends up being the case, then I’m going to be pretty worried about my life and my future. After all, how can I expect to be successful in my field of study and get a decent career started when I can’t even talk to another person. I was only able to recently get this job at Wal-Mart because I took copious amounts of caffeine and ephedrine, and because, well, it’s Wal-Mart (they really do hire just about anyone, honestly). I’m just not very fond of the thought that I might have to be dependent upon stimulants for temporary tolerance of social interaction. This problem affects my life more than anything else, it’s incredible. I could just talk for hours about how much of a shit it’s taken on my life, and I kind of just wish I really could talk to someone for hours about it. At this point, all I can really do is hope that the steps I’m taking (healthy diet, exercise, good sleep, and seeing a psychiatrist) will lead to this problem simply disappearing, or at least becoming manageable.