It always terribly painful when you come to care deeply about a person, watch them blatantly ignore you, and then to realize that they never truly did care about you.
I'm Joey, just another 20 year old trying to figure everything out even though I know I never will. I live in Arizona where it's always too hot. I go to the University of Arizona and am majoring in molecular and cellular biology. I ponder things that will probably never affect me and have a tendency to think too much. I'm constantly fascinated by the world around me as well as life and its apparent lack of meaning.
I thoroughly enjoy meeting and getting to know new people. If you are one of those people whom I don't know, then feel free to message me and spark a conversation about anything. If there were something small in life that I valued more than anything, it would be those deep talks about existence, meaning, perspective, controversy, opinion, and just about anything else outside of regular everyday communication.
I play League of Legends quite often, so feel free to add me if you would like. My usernames are below:
Alternate: Final Feer
It always terribly painful when you come to care deeply about a person, watch them blatantly ignore you, and then to realize that they never truly did care about you.
I feel like I’m inadequate. I feel like I’m under performing. I feel like a failure. I don’t know what I should be doing. I don’t know how I should feel. I don’t know how how I should think or feel about the world because there’s just too much to it. Why does anything I do matter given that I will eventually die and return to my original state of nonexistence? Why am I so unreliable? Why do I lie a lot? Why am I so introverted, so much so that I am unable to make new friends? Why does the sheer vastness of existence paralyze me?
Now that I sit here and think about it, I am actually really happy and satisfied with my life as it currently is. It’s hard to think of something that’s depressing my mood or making me any less happy. I think I’ll try and piece together a post later about where my life is at and why I’m so content with it. People may or may not enjoy the read, but it doesn’t really matter, after all, since I use this blog more as a journal to keep track of how I - my thoughts, my feelings, et cētera - change over time.
The structure in the above picture has quite a bit of meaning for me. I used to stop by there, while on a run, in the late hours of the night and just lie in the middle on the grass. I would lie there, stare up into the nighttime sky, and just think, sometimes for minutes and sometimes for hours. Those times were some of the most peaceful in my life. I felt like when I lied there that time had suddenly slowed down. I wasn’t speeding through my day trying to get everything done just to go to sleep. No, time seemed to freeze in as I was lying there thinking about anything and everything without so much as a care in the world. I miss those times and I’m excited for the coming of winter when I can once again go on runs and stop by this incredible little place.
I’ve begun to notice that I’m becoming ever more apathetic with each passing day. I find it harder and harder to truly care about what’s going on with the world, the people around me, and myself. It’s not necessarily that I’m filled with negative emotions, but rather that I’m simply indifferent to virtually everything. I’ve spent most of my life, up to this point, thinking about and working towards my future. I always told myself that once I got into college the pieces would begin falling into place and I would reach all the goals I had laid out in my life plan. I’ve found that, at least right now, I’m not concerned or worried with what direction my life takes and that I’m simply living my life on a day-to-day basis. Deep down inside I feel like this isn’t the way my mind should be working. After all, as I was growing up, I constantly built up this belief that there was really only two options for how my life would play out. Either I would succeed to a high degree or I would fail somewhere along the line to such an extent that it would ultimately lead to suicide. I spent the entirety of my life believing that only these two options were available to me. This thinking fueled my desire to succeed and filled me with all sorts of passion. With all that said, it’s probably pretty easy to see why I’m bothered with the fact that I’ve become so apathetic. I’ve been trying so hard to care, but, for some reason, I just can’t.
For the past couple of weeks I have been trying to think about and comprehend what I’m doing in life. I am at a university pursuing a molecular biology degree with, so far, great success. For the longest time I have possessed a passion to one day be a genetic researcher; it’s all sounds, or sounded I guess I should say, so fascinating. However, I’ve begun to simply not care about anything at all. I am getting these unsettling feelings at the bottom of my stomach with increasing frequency. These feelings are more than likely the result of my ever growing realization that I don’t truly have much passion anymore. When looking at the state of my life it couldn’t be any more evident that things have changed. I live a relatively bland life, haven’t had a girlfriend for almost two years, and can’t stopping thinking about how unnecessary and worry-filled life is. I feel as though it is just a natural inevitability that I will commit suicide at some point. I figure the only reason I haven’t yet is because my mom is still alive. She has such an abundance of hope for my future and I couldn’t bear to leave her with so much sadness, despite the fact that my nonexistence would mean that I wouldn’t possess any regret or concern. However, it would only be logical to assume that once she is no longer alive that there will be nothing stopping me from killing myself. Once that day comes it will only be a matter of me convincing myself that the worry-free paradise of nonexistence is more favorable than the stress and burden of life. Ahead of me I see many nights of lying awake thinking about my lack of passion, the future, the past, and life and death. I have no feelings towards any of this, for if this is how things will happen, then this is how they will happen. For now, though, I will just try to sleep away these feelings. Tomorrow, I will go through the motions and, once again, end up having my mind be flooded with all of these thoughts that I am having. I will then try and sleep it all away again. It’s a cycle that’s always so hard to escape.
As of just a couple of days ago, and without cause, I have begun to experience overwhelming feelings of nostalgia in regards to my ex girlfriend. As a result, feelings of depression and sorrow have now manifested themselves within my mind. Prior to this onset of nostalgia, I had never really dedicated any thought to her or our relationship. I was fairly certain that, with the severing of our relationship, I would forget her forever. Since her image has returned to my mind, I decided to go back and read a Tumblr post I made about her back on June 14, 2011. It reads like this:
It’s amazing how you can be thrown onto the ground, kicked until you no longer want to get up, and then meet someone who can change it all. When nobody else was around - when I wandered the desolate trail of life alone - Jordan came along and saved me; she saved me from myself. I was broken and lost, but now she makes me feel whole inside, like I matter. Once just another face in the crowd, she is now someone who means the world to me. She gives me the strength to try harder and push my known limits further than ever before. She really is the heart to my heartbeat.
Reading this again reminded me just how powerful and significant her impact on my life was. If I remember correctly, she came into my life during a critical period when I was contemplating the value of my own existence, a very unstable time where I had trouble convincing myself that it was worth it to continue on. Reading this again absolutely kills me on the inside. If I had to make a guess, I would say that these feelings of desolation and helplessness are working their way back into my mind very gradually, except this time around I won’t have her here to save me. Being the apathetic and careless person that I am, I, myself, am beyond surprised at how just how much I miss her. It’s been roughly a year and a half and suddenly, out of nowhere, I am overwhelmed by just how much I miss her. She has moved on and is dating some new guy now; he resembles me a lot, especially his facial structure. It’s hard to believe that the simple fact that I don’t believe in God was enough for her to end the relationship. It must be understood, though, that we never felt anything negative towards one another, and that when she broke up with me we were both very calm and collected. I think I miss how well we connected and interacted the most. Throughout our entire relationship we only had one small argument, and, aside from that, we never felt negative feelings for one another. It’s almost inconceivable that a pessimistic atheist like myself could date an optimistic theist like herself and maintain, for quite a while, a relationship almost entirely clear of argumentation and distaste for one another. It hurts to know that she doesn’t miss me whatsoever and that I, even after a year and a half, am still having trouble moving on. I haven’t dated anyone else since the end of our relationship, and I am having trouble opening myself up to the possibility of another relationship. I have gone through several relationships and with each one I managed to recover and move on. However, it appears that this last one has broken me beyond repair, and now that she has returned to the confines of my mind, I will likely be fucked in the head for quite a while.
After several months of leading an incredibly sedentary and unhealthy life, I have finally been overcome by the desire to become fit and healthy. I managed to send myself outside into the 100 degree inferno that is Arizona and run 2.2 miles. Despite the fact that after just 1.5 miles I had to take a break and walk, I feel as though this is the start of something great; I feel this the beginning of the lifestyle I have always wanted. I am almost certain that I will struggle for a bit and face many intimidating obstacles, but sooner or later I will triumph. Running just feels much too great to give up on; it feels so liberating. My current goal is that 4 weeks from now I will still be going strong on my journey to a fitter and healthier body and mind. I truly hope I can be consistent because I need this more than anything right now.
Prior to my graduation, my high school held this really neat honors assembly to celebrate the students who received scholarships and/or awards. It was nice and all except for one small thing that threw everything off and really ruined it for me. The thing that I observed that really ruined it for me was that when these two kids who enlisted in the marines went up, they received a massive standing ovation. Generally, I would not be negatively affected by such gratitude and appreciation. In fact, I am never really opposed to someone’s achievements or dreams being celebrated. However, the reason that this upset me is that this was the only time during the ceremony that the audience, as well as my fellow classmates, gave a standing applause. Well actually, there was one other time and that was when the Navy kids went up to get a scholarship, and that upset me just as much. Anyway, the reason that this really upset me is that nobody else received any amount of applause or appreciation remotely close to what the military kids got. Even the students who got full ride scholarships to respectable institutions got a mediocre applause when compared to the applause the military kids received. I find it absolutely ridiculous that society gives so much more respect and appreciation to those who go to war than to those who desire to get a higher education and improve the world and our quality of life. Not only that, but this over-appreciation is almost always automatic and inherent; it’s an idea that’s been implanted into people’s minds from the very start. This idea that I speak of is that people who enter the armed forces automatically deserve more respect than those who do not. The events that I witnessed during the honors assembly led me to deduce that people don’t actually know why they are standing up and clapping for the military bound kids and not the college bound kids. I actually ended up getting into an argument with a fellow classmate of mine. I asked her why she stood and clapped for the military bound students, and not the other students. Her response was very scattered and made little to no sense, so I asked the question once against and requested a more concise and consistent answer. She stated that the reason they deserve more respect is that they sacrifice their lives. My immediate response was to ask her about the kids who will go to college, become doctors, and then venture into hostile environments in other countries risking their lives to save people. Ultimately, the argument progressed into her essentially putting her fingers into her ears and yelling “la la la you’re wrong you’re wrong you’re wrong!” With that, I just stopped talking to her and dropped the argument. In the end, given all my observations, I figure that our society is simply brainwashed into believing that people who enter the armed forces are automatically honorable and valorous. What do I think about that? I think it’s complete bullshit. The war machine that is the United States will perpetuate through generation after generation so long as the young continue to be indoctrinated from a young age to believe that soldiers are always honorable, courageous, and defending our freedom, even if we aren’t free and if we aren’t being attacked.
I can still recall all the great memories we created together, back when we were much closer. You easily slipped into a place in my life where no one else had ever been. I didn’t think it was possible, but it all unfolded right before my very own eyes. After several years of loneliness, I finally had another best friend. Unlike other friendships, we got to know each other starting from our deepest darkest secrets and, in time, worked our way to all of the simple stuff. We hung out with one another often, and even if we couldn’t think of anything to do, we would just talk and let the conversation carry us through the seemingly infinite amount of time. If nothing else, I want to remember forever the fact that you always asked me “are you okay?” when I appeared to be down in the dumps, which I was often. In fact, it was that very question that eventually spurred me to share my secrets of self harm and suicidal contemplation. For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was actually - dare I say - cared about. I don’t know with absolute certainty what drove us apart or whose fault it was, but I do know that relations between us will never be the same. We peel through the days as superficial friends, but deep down within the cavity of my chest there lurks an emptiness, a pain, that will continue on for what seems like forever. I frequently find myself wondering if you too share that inner hunger for how things used to be, but I am convinced that you do not for you never seem to take a second look at me anymore. From reading this you’d probably think that I had lost a romantic relationship, but no, I lost a connection much more valuable and important - a best friendship.
Throughout the course of my life, there have only been a handful of people to whom I would consider “best friends.” It has typically only been these “best friends” that I have exposed the inner workings of my mind to; the machinery that functions much like a symphony to produce my very own conscious, and self aware, existence. It is with these select people that I have had the deepest of conversations as well as the most simplistic and insignificant interactions. It is only with these people that I had a sense of connection, even across distance and time. There is only one thing in common that all of my “best friends” share, and that is that they have all left, whether by their own choice or not. I lost some of my “best friends” to army relocation, and others just woke up and decided they didn’t want to know me anymore. I vividly remember the defining moments of friendship with these people - the sweet moments - as well as the moments of separation where things would never be the same - the bitter moments. I remember all the times where I would talk to these people and we would understand each other on levels deeper than the reality we perceive ourselves to be in. From where I stand now, it’s all just bittersweet; the memories both sting and soothe, scar and heal. The periods where I lacked a “best friend” were the most devastating and surreal. Those segments of time struck my perception like a hammer against a soldering piece of metal. In both cases, what was before would now be altered and shaped. Times without a “best friend” were painful and lonely. The only thing left I have to converse with is my own conscious self, and after awhile, even that gets old. Those that I called my “best friends” forever imprinted themselves on my life, and as I travel along the arrow of time, I can never forget the memories that so built me up into who I am today. My mind’s willingness to communicate is very wide while its interests are very narrow, and this makes for an unusual difficulty in finding people to fill that role as “best friend.” After an extended length of time without a “best friend” my mental structure breaks down much like the ideological organization of this post; it has no point, and no order. It meets the criteria for being considered a bunch of nostalgic rambling and being void of what is really meant to be said. My mind is flooded with ideas I want to incorporate into this post, but cannot because the conversion from mental thought to physical text just isn’t taking place. I try too hard to understand myself, but cannot as I consistently run into this invisible barrier that prevents me from ultimately gaining the insight I so desperately seek.
There is not much I am better at than pushing people away, and that destroys me on the inside. I genuinely enjoy getting to know others, and I freely do so. The problems lies in that after a certain point, I just recede back into myself and push them away unintentionally. I see myself doing it constantly yet I feel as though I have absolutely no control over it. Maybe it is because deep down I truly believe that if someone really gets to know me, they will stop liking me. In other words, I must subconsciously feel like others leaving me is inevitable and thus my subconscious determines that I will sustain less emotional damage if I leave them before they leave me. It’s either that or maybe my subconscious mind pushes others way for their own benefit. I know, and my subconscious knows, that I can be burden on those who chose to listen to me and drag those down who choose to care for me. I suppose I must push others away in order to keep myself from latching onto them and dragging them down when I am in emotional distress. I would like to believe that it is the latter reason and that I am simply doing a virtuous deed when I force myself into painful solitude in order to preserve the happiness and emotional well being of others. It is clear to me that I am not lonely because the world rejects me, but rather because of my own doings. I just wish I had more control over myself sometimes. They do not deserve the pain that I put them through.
When I am asleep, I have no control over what is going on in my head; I am merely a slave to the wills and desires of my brain. I must endure and accept whatever it hands to me because at that moment in time I am nothing more than a pile of paralyzed muscles and bones. However, upon awakening I become self-aware about my existence and what is happening around me. Escaping the shackles of slumber is much like entering a new reality, one where I am actually able to think.The problem lies in the fact that this routine enlightenment is not universal; it is not experienced by everyone. It appears as if most people get left behind in a state where they are mentally paralyzed and are apt to accept any idea that is served to them. When evaluating someone from afar I find that I must ask myself, “are they awake or asleep?” because it can feel impossible at times to try and communicate with someone whose perspective is limited only to basic day-to-day survival. Any cognitive function, or “thinking”, beyond that is done by others, hence the commonly used phrase, “you need to stop letting others think for you.” This is similar to slumber because, while asleep, a person’s cognitive functioning is all done by the sub-conscious, not the person’s conscious self. It has been said that the absence of consciousness welcomes the presence of formulated manipulation, and for the most part, that is true. Due to the fact that most people can’t think for their selves in their sleep-like state, any group or individual is easily able to spread their ideologies like wildfire. When people ask how something like a stupid law or a nonsensical idea is accepted by a majority of people, this is how. It depresses me greatly that I must exist in a reality where “sleepwalking” is the norm and where finding someone with the ability to think or question is like trying to find a diamond on a beach full of rhinestones.
If there is one thing that I have come to learn from myself over the course of the last year is the when I am sadder I have a greater perspective of the world, and when I am happier I have a very narrow perspective. The way I see it, there is a vicious cycle, or pattern, that seems to continually play itself out over time. The cycle starts off when I am am happy or content with my life. In this seemingly positive state, I am not plagued by a troubled mind. However, there is an issue with this. In this happy-go-lucky state, I am blinded to the truths of society and the world; I don’t think much further than my own day-to-day activities and existence. In theory this doesn’t sound like too bad of a deal, but that’s only the case if you’re okay with being blind and ignoring all the wonders of the world - both good and bad. Immediately following that deceived, but happy, state I manage to fall at breakneck speed into a sea of depression and contemplation. In this second state, perspective hits me in the head like the blow from a well placed hammer. Suddenly I feel as though I have inhaled a massive fresh breath of air after having been deprived for so long. I suddenly gain an eerie awareness for how blind and gullible I was in my first state. This is that time when I take note of what’s going on in the world and everything that is wrong. I become numb and feel as though I am frozen in the middle of a busy shopping center and everything and everyone around me is moving at light speed. Along with this overpowering depression, I also gain a powerful burst of enlightenment, which is probably the only positive aspect of living in this second state. This second state is usually the longest of the three stages I am describing as it can last for months on end. Following this drawn out depression I tend to enter the worst stage of them all, the one where death seems horribly rational and logical. This final state is the one where thoughts of suicide dwell in the brain almost daily. Typically these feelings of hopelessness are accompanied by anxiety attacks and a more significant numbness than in the second depressive state. This stage can last for weeks to just a few months which is about the same duration as the very first stage. Now is probably an opportune time to bring up the fact that what I have described thus far is not a cycle but rather just a series of stages that start off positive and get progressively more negative over time. The most miraculous aspect of this whole explanation is the part where I mention that I go from my suicidal third stage right back to my happy-go-lucky state without a single intermediate stepping stone. You heard me right; One day I feel like dying is the only solution, and then almost instantaneously I feel happy and like everything’s good and the cycle begins again. This is not just any cycle, but a vicious cycle; it’s one of those cycles that defies human intuition and shouldn’t exist, but does. Now I am left to ponder whether or not this cycle is unique to just me or whether it applies to a large number of people.
August has proven itself to be very bittersweet. At any given point in time I am either feeling great about myself or hating my own existence; it hurts to live in such a state.