As of just a couple of days ago, and without cause, I have begun to experience overwhelming feelings of nostalgia in regards to my ex girlfriend. As a result, feelings of depression and sorrow have now manifested themselves within my mind. Prior to this onset of nostalgia, I had never really dedicated any thought to her or our relationship. I was fairly certain that, with the severing of our relationship, I would forget her forever. Since her image has returned to my mind, I decided to go back and read a Tumblr post I made about her back on June 14, 2011. It reads like this:
It’s amazing how you can be thrown onto the ground, kicked until you no longer want to get up, and then meet someone who can change it all. When nobody else was around - when I wandered the desolate trail of life alone - Jordan came along and saved me; she saved me from myself. I was broken and lost, but now she makes me feel whole inside, like I matter. Once just another face in the crowd, she is now someone who means the world to me. She gives me the strength to try harder and push my known limits further than ever before. She really is the heart to my heartbeat.
Reading this again reminded me just how powerful and significant her impact on my life was. If I remember correctly, she came into my life during a critical period when I was contemplating the value of my own existence, a very unstable time where I had trouble convincing myself that it was worth it to continue on. Reading this again absolutely kills me on the inside. If I had to make a guess, I would say that these feelings of desolation and helplessness are working their way back into my mind very gradually, except this time around I won’t have her here to save me. Being the apathetic and careless person that I am, I, myself, am beyond surprised at how just how much I miss her. It’s been roughly a year and a half and suddenly, out of nowhere, I am overwhelmed by just how much I miss her. She has moved on and is dating some new guy now; he resembles me a lot, especially his facial structure. It’s hard to believe that the simple fact that I don’t believe in God was enough for her to end the relationship. It must be understood, though, that we never felt anything negative towards one another, and that when she broke up with me we were both very calm and collected. I think I miss how well we connected and interacted the most. Throughout our entire relationship we only had one small argument, and, aside from that, we never felt negative feelings for one another. It’s almost inconceivable that a pessimistic atheist like myself could date an optimistic theist like herself and maintain, for quite a while, a relationship almost entirely clear of argumentation and distaste for one another. It hurts to know that she doesn’t miss me whatsoever and that I, even after a year and a half, am still having trouble moving on. I haven’t dated anyone else since the end of our relationship, and I am having trouble opening myself up to the possibility of another relationship. I have gone through several relationships and with each one I managed to recover and move on. However, it appears that this last one has broken me beyond repair, and now that she has returned to the confines of my mind, I will likely be fucked in the head for quite a while.