To Understand It All

I can still recall all the great memories we created together, back when we were much closer. You easily slipped into a place in my life where no one else has ever been. I didn’t think it was possible, but it all unfolded right before my very own eyes. After several years of loneliness, I finally had another best friend. Unlike other friendships, we got to know each starting from our deepest darkest secrets and, in time, worked our way to all of the simple stuff. We hung out with one another often, and even if we couldn’t think of anything to do, we would just talk and let the conversation carry us through the seemingly infinite amount of time. If nothing else, I want to remember forever the fact that you always asked me “are you okay?” when I appeared to be down in the dumps, which I was often. In fact, it was that very question that eventually spurred me to share my secrets of self harm and suicidal contemplation.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt like I was actually - dare I say - cared about. I don’t know with absolute certainty what drove us apart or whose fault it was, but I do know that relations between us will never be the same. We peel through the days as superficial friends, but deep down within the cavity of my chest there lurks an emptiness, a pain, that will continue on for what seems like forever. I frequently find myself wondering if you too share that inner hunger for how things used to be, but I am convinced that you do not for you never seem to take a second look at me anymore. From reading this you’d probably think that I had lost a romantic relationship, but no, I lost a connection much more valuable and important - a best friendship.

Throughout the course of my life, there have only been a handful of people to whom I would consider “best friends.” It has typically only been these “best friends” that I have exposed the inner workings of my mind to; the machinery that functions much like a symphony to produce my very own conscious, and self aware, existence. It is with these select people that I have had the deepest of conversations as well as the most simplistic and insignificant interactions. It is only with these people that I had a sense of connection, even across distance and time. There is only one thing in common that all of my “best friends” share, and that is that they have all left, whether by their own choice or not. I lost some of my “best friends” to army relocation, and others just woke up and decided they didn’t want to know me anymore. I vividly remember the defining moments of friendship with these people - the sweet moments - as well as the moments of separation where things would never be the same - the bitter moments. I remember all the times where I would talk to these people and we would understand each other on levels deeper than the reality we perceive ourselves to be in. From where I stand now, it’s all just bittersweet; the memories both sting and soothe, scar and heal. The periods where I lacked a “best friend” were the most devastating and surreal. Those segments of time struck my perception like a hammer against a soldering piece of metal. In both cases, what was before would now be altered and shaped. Times without a “best friend” were painful and lonely. The only thing left I have to converse with is my own conscious self, and after awhile, even that gets old. Those that I called my “best friends” forever imprinted themselves on my life, and as I travel along the arrow of time, I can never forget the memories that so built me up into who I am today. My mind’s willingness to communicate is very wide while its interests are very narrow, and this makes for an unusual difficulty in finding people to fill that role as “best friend.” After an extended length of time without a “best friend” my mental structure breaks down much like the ideological organization of this post; it has no point, and no order. It meets the criteria for being considered a bunch of nostalgic rambling and being void of what is really meant to be said. My mind if flooded with ideas I want to incorporate into this post, but cannot because the conversion from mental thought to physical text just isn’t taking place. I try too hard to understand myself, but cannot as I consistently run into this invisible barrier that prevents me from ultimately gaining the insight I so desperately seek.

There is not much I am better at than pushing people away, and that destroys me on the inside. I genuinely enjoy getting to know others, and I freely do so. The problems lies in that after a certain point, I just recede back into myself and push them away unintentionally. I see myself doing it constantly yet I feel as though I have absolutely no control over it. Maybe it is because deep down I truly believe that if someone really gets to know me, they will stop liking me. In other words, I must subconsciously feel like others leaving me is inevitable and thus my subconscious determines that I will sustain less emotional damage if I leave them before they leave me. It’s either that or maybe my subconscious mind pushes others way for their own benefit. I know, and my subconscious knows, that I can be burden on those who chose to listen to me and drag those down who choose to care for me. I suppose I must push others away in order to keep myself from latching onto them and dragging them down when I am in emotional distress. I would like to believe that it is the latter reason and that I am simply doing a virtuous deed when I force myself into painful solitude in order to preserve the happiness and emotional well being of others. It is clear to me that I am not lonely because the world rejects me, but rather because of my own doings. I just wish I had more control over myself sometimes. They do not deserve the pain that I put them through.

When I am asleep, I have no control over what is going on in my head; I am merely a slave to the wills and desires of my brain. I must endure and accept whatever it hands to me because at that moment in time I am nothing more than a pile of paralyzed muscles and bones. However, upon awakening I become self-aware about my existence and what is happening around me. Escaping the shackles of slumber is much like entering a new reality, one where I am actually able to think.The problem lies in the fact that this routine enlightenment is not universal; it is not experienced by everyone. It appears as if most people get left behind in a state where they are mentally paralyzed and are apt to accept any idea that is served to them. When evaluating someone from afar I find that I must ask myself, “are they awake or asleep?” because it can feel impossible at times to try and communicate with someone whose perspective is limited only to basic day-to-day survival. Any cognitive function, or “thinking”, beyond that is done by others, hence the commonly used phrase, “you need to stop letting others think for you.” This is similar to slumber because while asleep, a person’s cognitive functioning is all done by the sub-conscious, not the person’s conscious self. It has been said that the absence of consciousness welcomes the presence of formulated manipulation, and for the most part, that is true. Due to the fact that most people can’t think for their selves in their sleep-like state, any group or individual is easily able to spread their ideologies like wildfire. When people ask how something like a stupid law or a nonsensical idea is accepted by a majority of people, this is how. It depresses me greatly that I must exist in a reality where “sleepwalking” is the norm and where finding someone with the ability to think or question is like trying to find a diamond on a beach full of rhinestones.

If there is one thing that I have come to learn from myself over the course of the last year is the when I am sadder I have a greater perspective of the world, and when I am happier I have a very narrow perspective. The way I see it, there is a vicious cycle, or pattern, that seems to continually play itself out over time. The cycle starts off when I am am happy or content with my life. In this seemingly positive state, I am not plagued by a troubled mind. However, there is an issue with this. In this happy-go-lucky state, I am blinded to the truths of society and the world; I don’t think much further than my own day-to-day activities and existence. In theory this doesn’t sound like too bad of a deal, but that’s only the case if you’re okay with being blind and ignoring all the wonders of the world - both good and bad. Immediately following that deceived, but happy, state I manage to fall at breakneck speed into a sea of depression and contemplation. In this second state, perspective hits me in the head like the blow from a well placed hammer. Suddenly I feel as though I have inhaled a massive fresh breath of air after having been deprived for so long. I suddenly gain an eerie awareness for how blind and gullible I was in my first state. This is that time when I take note of what’s going on in the world and everything that is wrong. I become numb and feel as though I am frozen in the middle of a busy shopping center and everything and everyone around me is moving at light speed. Along with this overpowering depression, I also gain a powerful burst of enlightenment, which is probably the only positive aspect of living in this second state. This second state is usually the longest of the three stages I am describing as it can last for months on end. Following this drawn out depression I tend to enter the worst stage of them all, the one where death seems horribly rational and logical. This final state is the one where thoughts of suicide dwell in the brain almost daily. Typically these feelings of hopelessness are accompanied by anxiety attacks and a more significant numbness than in the second depressive state. This stage can last for weeks to just a few months which is about the same duration as the very first stage. Now is probably an opportune time to bring up the fact that what I have described thus far is not a cycle but rather just a series of stages that start off positive and get progressively more negative over time. The most miraculous aspect of this whole explanation is the part where I mention that I go from my suicidal third stage right back to my happy-go-lucky state without a single intermediate stepping stone. You heard me right; One day I feel like dying is the only solution, and then almost instantaneously I feel happy and like everything’s good and the cycle begins again. This is not just any cycle, but a vicious cycle; it’s one of those cycles that defies human intuition and shouldn’t exist, but does. Now I am left to ponder whether or not this cycle is unique to just me or whether it applies to a large number of people.

August has proven itself to be very bittersweet. At any given point in time I am either feeling great about myself or hating my own existence; it hurts to live in such a state.

When I die, I will surely die alone. Countless people have told me that they will always be there for me, but in reality that was only an impulsive instinct to tell me what I wanted to hear. Let’s be real now. When those people said that they would never leave me, they weren’t truly grasping what exactly it means. It’s really easy to say that in an instantaneous situation, but how about a couple years down the road? Would they still feel the same way? Do they even possess the capability to think that far into the future? From my own personal experience, it seems as though most people lack the ability to predict future occurrences, and thus they end up looking like a liar when they don’t stay true to what they originally promised. It’s not like it was one single person who lied to me, it was a multitude of different people. One of the more remarkable things about being human is that I am able to learn from experience very well. After being lied to several times, I have finally learned not to get attached to anyone. I have learned not to trust all the things people say. I have learned to not give people the benefit of thought. If I am going to die alone, I might as well live alone too.

Lately my existence has become ever more stressful. Every day I shift from feeling successful, productive, and on top of the world to feeling lost, alone, and like i’m at the bottom of an inescapable pit. These extreme polar changes are taxing my body and my mind beyond belief. I can’t take feeling so horrible and exhausted all the time. I just want to feel one way or the other all the time. I either want to feel energetic and enthusiastic all the time or I want to feel helplessly lost and suicidal all the time. The indecisive nature of my mind is torturous and I am having great difficulty dealing with it. I always end my days with the negative side of my feelings and those feelings give rise to very vivid, powerful, and realistic thought. These thoughts are so intense that they are virtually inexplicable; I could only describe them as demoralizing. My mind flows uncontrollably with these endless attempts to make rational and logical sense of the human condition, but that is impossible for humanity is just that - incomprehensible; it will never make sense.

Happiness is there awaiting any who seek it; you just have to look in the right place. That is a lot coming from someone who is anything but happy. However I acknowledge that I could be happy if I wanted, that everything is laying on a silver platter in front of me. The problem lies in the fact that something inside of me wants me to be miserable and won’t allow me reach out in front of me and access my maximum potential.

Every time I try to tell someone what’s on my mind my thoughts fail to connect to my speech, and what I say ends up have little or no real relevance to what I wanted to say. It is almost as if the mind and the body are in two completely different domains and any information exchanged between the two is altered. It is almost like a conservation law, some information must be given up in order for the thought to cross over into speech, or the physical world. I believe that it is this principle that is responsible for us never truly knowing people, because if such a law exists, then we can never know a person’s mind, which is their entire conscious and existence.

Problems riddle even the most prosperous places in the world. It doesn’t matter where you go, something will always be wrong. This realization comes just as you think that money will lead you to a perfect life.

This photo really captures the idea that a lot of beauty exists outside of our everyday human existence, and that is why I really like it. We all know what cameras are and what they do and how they work, but when it comes to space and the rules that govern it, we are still on the forefront of discovery. Even if understanding it is too much, we could always observe all the magnificent effects and colors that space gives to us.

It sucks to see that two of the closest people I had forget me and move on. They seem to have just left me behind and replaced me with someone else. I find it rather unfortunate that I predicted this whole ordeal perfectly; I knew it was all coming yet it feels as if I have been slapped across the face out of nowhere. Maybe it was my awful personality that caused all of this to happen. Regardless, I should probably stick to being numb and careless because I will most likely end up being “forever alone” anyway; Let’s us see if I can go 2-for-2 with my predictions.

The world is just full of mind-blowing contradictions.

After all this time it seems that my feelings of numbness are rather reluctant to leave. It’s worse that this lack of feeling shows no sign of leaving anytime soon; it feels permanent.